So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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