In the future we'll all be gay
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
