it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
