At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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