I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
