I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
false alarm, still single
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
