you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
