There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
