I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
