Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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