tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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