never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
