So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am naked and annoyed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
