if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
