grandma shit on top of the toilet
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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