When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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