We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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