i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
