so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
