So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
