Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
