My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
