this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
