shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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