Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
