So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
