A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
