Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
