Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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