just come out here and I will go home with you...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am one with the molecules
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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