someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Im part way to drunk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
