She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
