There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
