I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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