Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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