I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just want nice things and good sex
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
