Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
