i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
