It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I did not marry a roomba.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
