Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
worst night to have a conscience
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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