I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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