He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
