also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I touched a dick in church today
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
