Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
