The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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