My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
