I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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