the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
