I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
