I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
