'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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