I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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