The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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