I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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