you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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