you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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